I Told You So...

It’s true…Many people told me to stay away from alcohol; they told me the abusive relationship I was in was only going to get worse; people told me that marijuana is a gateway drug.

I didn’t listen though. It was because it was “old” people telling me those things. To me, it was as if they were just trying to control me; like they were trying to cage me. And that’s one thing I’ve always despised – being controlled. So, of course, I had to do my own thing and taste the alcohol, try to make that abusive relationship work, and hit that blunt at least once. What I didn’t know was that I’d like that first taste of alcohol a little too much. I didn’t know that first punch to my face would lead to a gun being pointed to my head. I never thought that “MaryJane” would be the starting pitch to popping pills and snorting coke.

But can I truthfully say “I didn’t know” these things? ‘Cause I do know I once heard my mama say something along those lines. I can recall my grandmamma telling me something similar to that. The truth of the matter is I didn’t want to believe that they were right. Because if they were right…that meant I was wrong! With that realization, my young mind turned to denial for comfort. In my denial, I did nothing but prove the “old” people even more right. I kept trying to fix what I had gotten myself into but only succeeded in getting myself into an even bigger mess. Then I hit rock bottom and I had to give up the front and throw in the towel. I had to admit to myself that I really didn’t know how to fix the mess I got myself into before I could turn to God the Father to help me put back the pieces of my life.

God put the “old” people in our lives to help guide us – not to control us. He placed them in our lives to show us the safer path because they went the wrong way and found out there was quicksand in the form of alcoholism that took them 25 years to get out of. They went down a side street where they got robbed for 8 years of their life and the thief was crack…

Believe me when I say that just like I never saw myself cruising my way towards being and alcoholic; that “old” person didn’t see a crack pipe and prostitution on her schedule of events.

God put the “old” people in our lives because He doesn’t want us to hurt the way that they hurt. He doesn’t want us to experience the torment that goes along with the high that they were itching for. As a young person, I would like to formally announce that I wish I had listened to the “old” people in my life…because as I was trying to prove them wrong I only proved them right.

Now, my only wardrobe choices are different shades of orange. And when I get the urge to see my little brother, the only thing I can do is pick up a pen and write. In the eyes of the world, where many don’t have faith in the Only Living God, I will not see freedom until the year 2020 just before my 32^nd birthday. But in the life that I live, in the Hand of the Almighty God, I walk in freedom through Christ Jesus on a daily basis because who the Son sets free is free indeed, and the law of man has no hold on me. I believe in faith as many of the “old” people in my life have believed and still do, that Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world; and that Jesus was sent to set the captives free. This is my public proclamation that God is in total control of my life because He knows better than I do, and that He will receive all the Glory when He shows the world that He can do the impossible. What has been signed in ink as my fate, God has cancelled out with His promises in the Word which I stand in faith believing.

For those who still haven’t seen the light, who don’t want to listen to the “old” people; I will tell you as a young person that they know what they’re talking about when they warn you that some of your wild ideas are not going to end with marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers and you won’t be able to make s’mores out of the mess that comes with the choice you may be contemplating. “Old” people are there to help you not hinder you. You don’ t have to go through what we did.

ffffFear

Fear is found in the hearts of even the youngest children.

I grew up in the shadow of fear. As far back as I can remember insecurity has held me hostage. Yes, insecurity is a form of fear.

For me, it was the fear of not adding up. It was the fear that I could not meet the expectations of others – the fear that I could not reach my own expectations.

What I later came to realize is that my own expectations mirrored the unrealistic standards of the media.

Even as a young child – no more than 5 years old – I wanted to be “perfect.” It did not matter that my own parents did not expect “perfection.”

It was the world that projected that goal – the media who continues to subconsciously engrain into little girls’ minds what they “need” to be in society.

As the years have gone by, the image that girls strive to achieve based on media’s version of “beauty” and “perfection” has only become more unrealistic; in all truth, it is, in fact, unreal.

Plastic surgery has become as casual as getting a tooth pulled; whereas, it was once known only as a means to repair and reconstruct damage caused by injury or perhaps to mend a child’s cleft lip.

How did beauty become synonymous to “perfection?” When did the viewpoint of others rule the self image of a young child?

Moreover, how do we repair the damage that has been inflicted upon our youths of today?


 Even better…do we want to, and will we???

UnderDogs

I seem to have a thing for the underdogs in the world. Maybe it’s somthin’ God put in my heart, but I’ve rooted for the underdog and took ‘em under my wing for a long time now. Underdogs are the people that are most often overlooked. They’re the ones that are picked on for not wearin’ name brand clothes or shoes. The underdog is the kid you always cheated off of in biology but never talked to outside of class.

The truth is I prolly go for the underdog because I was one of them. I was one of the kids that got teased for stayin’ home to get my homework done and for the off-brand shoes I wore in high school.
The underdog is also the fat guy in your culinary class who loves to cook; she’s the girl with the bushy eyebrows in your discipleship class at your church. You can find these people almost anywhere you go.

Luckily there are people in the world (like me :)
So, how ‘bout the next time you feel like makin’ fun of someone, try building them up instead. Life is already crappy enough as it is. So why do many of us feel the need to make someone else’s worse? Because ours isn’t turning out the way we want? It doesn’t have to be that way. But I guess you just don’t want to look dumb for actually being nice to the “nerdy” guy at your job…MAN, grow up!! And this message isn’t just for young folks in high school; It’s for GROWN men and women who are still bein’ punks and bullies because as long as there’s someone “beneath” them, they’re not at the bottom of the “food chain.”

Really, who cares if Jim is wearing Payless shoes! Who cares if Rita is eating her third piece of cake! Who cares if Jamie wears her makeup like that lady from the Drew Carey Show! If YOU’RE so worried about it, go buy Jim some shell-toe Adidas; bake the cake with Splenda for the next office party for Rita’s sake; and send Jamie some Cosmo Magazines so she can check out the makeup tips. OR…since you’re prolly not gonna do any of those things, quit bein’ so superficial because you have flaws just like the next person. We are all imperfect beings, so quit bein’ so judgmental and critical of what everyone else looks like or is doing. Really…what’s the point? What, you just have no other conversational points to bring up when you run into Greg at Starbucks?? Well, then maybe YOU have some things that you need to work out yourself. Mind your OWN business and maybe you might just figure out a way to fix your marriage. Mind your business and maybe you could make your deadlines at WORK.

Think about it. If your nose wasn’t in everyone else’s business, you’d have more time to handle your own! Can we say Epiphany?! The world would be a much quieter place if everyone wasn’t talkin’ bout what everyone else was or wasn’t doin’.

Don’t be mad cause I keep it Real and ain’t afraid to speak the truth. Think on it and you’ll see where I’m comin’ from. Everything about this life seems to be about some sorta psychotic power trip – and erratic rat race – because no one wants to be at the “bottom” of the ladder…and that’s because the stuck up people “above” them keep dropping proverbial bags of flaming crap on the heads of the people “beneath” them. And I put the quotation marks (“ ”) around ‘bottom,” “above,” and “beneath,” because all that stuff is all in peoples’ heads! It’s an illusion – not reality. The people who feel like they’re worthless and lame are no different than the people who think they’re the greatest thing since peanut butter was introduced to jelly! Some folks’ perspectives are warped, and they seem to be either living in their own personal nightmare or a fantasy land. Either way, both are living a struggle; one is fighting his way to the “top” while the other one is fighting to keep her place at the “top.”


Folks just need to relax and learn to enjoy the good in life. You choose…because it is a choice. I’d rather enjoy my life now rather than kill myself tryin’ to put everything beneath me ‘cause it’s IMPOSSIBLE, and it’s all in your mind.

Getcha Mind Right!

I seem to have a thing for the underdogs in the world. Maybe it’s somthin’ God put in my heart, but I’ve rooted for the underdog and took ‘em under my wing for a long time now. Underdogs are the people that are most often overlooked. They’re the ones that are picked on for not wearin’ name brand clothes or shoes. The underdog is the kid you always cheated off of in biology but never talked to outside of class.

The truth is I prolly go for the underdog because I was one of them. I was one of the kids that got teased for stayin’ home to get my homework done and for the off-brand shoes I wore in high school.

The underdog is also the fat guy in your culinary class who loves to cook; she’s the girl with the bushy eyebrows in your discipleship class at your church. You can find these people almost anywhere you go.
Luckily there are people in the world (like me ;) who aren’t ashamed to grab some lunch with the quiet girl at work who’s always got her nose in a book. Thank God there are those who put in an effort to try and bring out the awesome personalities that many of these underdogs are hiding. For me, I find it quite fulfilling to help the shy women at my job open up and gain confidence. I love to see her stand taller and actually walk around with a little proud smirk on her face. It’s great to see someone realize that there is actually a reason to live.

So, how ‘bout the next time you feel like makin’ fun of someone, try building them up instead. Life is already crappy enough as it is. So why do many of us feel the need to make someone else’s worse? Because ours isn’t turning out the way we want? It doesn’t have to be that way. But I guess you just don’t want to look dumb for actually being nice to the “nerdy” guy at your job…MAN, grow up!! And this message isn’t just for young folks in high school; It’s for GROWN men and women who are still bein’ punks and bullies because as long as there’s someone “beneath” them, they’re not at the bottom of the “food chain.”

Really, who cares if Jim is wearing Payless shoes! Who cares if Rita is eating her third piece of cake! Who cares if Jamie wears her makeup like that lady from the Drew Carey Show! If YOU’RE so worried about it, go buy Jim some shell-toe Adidas; bake the cake with Splenda for the next office party for Rita’s sake; and send Jamie some Cosmo Magazines so she can check out the makeup tips. OR…since you’re prolly not gonna do any of those things, quit bein’ so superficial because you have flaws just like the next person. We are all imperfect beings, so quit bein’ so judgmental and critical of what everyone else looks like or is doing. Really…what’s the point? What, you just have no other conversational points to bring up when you run into Greg at Starbucks?? Well, then maybe YOU have some things that you need to work out yourself. Mind your OWN business and maybe you might just figure out a way to fix your marriage. Mind your business and maybe you could make your deadlines at WORK.

Think about it. If your nose wasn’t in everyone else’s business, you’d have more time to handle your own! Can we say Epiphany?! The world would be a much quieter place if everyone wasn’t talkin’ bout what everyone else was or wasn’t doin’.

Don’t be mad cause I keep it Real and ain’t afraid to speak the truth. Think on it and you’ll see where I’m comin’ from. Everything about this life seems to be about some sorta psychotic power trip – an erratic rat race – because no one wants to be at the “bottom” of the ladder…and that’s because the stuck up people “above” them keep dropping proverbial bags of flaming crap on the heads of the people “beneath” them. And I put the quotation marks (“ ”) around ‘bottom,” “above,” and “beneath,” because that stuff is all in peoples’ heads! It’s an illusion – not reality. The people who feel like they’re worthless and lame are no different than the people who think they’re the greatest thing since peanut butter was introduced to jelly! Some folks’ perspectives are warped, and they seem to be either living in their own personal nightmare or a fantasy land. Either way, both are living a struggle; one is fighting his way to the “top” while the other one is fighting to keep her place at the “top.” Folks just need to relax and learn to enjoy the good in life. You choose…because it is a choice. I’d rather enjoy my life now rather than kill myself tryin’ to put everyone beneath me ‘cause it’s IMPOSSIBLE, and it’s all in your mind.

Ugly Syndrome...AKA the Uglies

Aye, you ever know somebody who got that Ugly Syndrome? Imma describe it for you because I’m pretty sure just about everyone knows or has met somebody with a case of the Uglies.

I always use myself as an example of what I talk about cause what else do I know better than myself? So, yeah, I admit, I had a case of the Uglies… but hey, it’s curable so I ain’t even trippin. I beat the Uglies.

But anyways, here I go; Imma paint you a picture. First of all, the Uglies is a disease of the mind. Really, all it is, is low self-esteem. So just think of an 18 or 19 year old young adult. She’s a virgin, but only because she hasn’t gotten enough courage to lose that title yet. And I suppose it could be because she’s a Big Girl – but Big Girls get love all the time…Anyways, now, she done come out her shell a little bit with this stuff I like to call Courage Juice. Yup, you already know. It’s that liquor that got her feelin herself a lil bit. Ha Haa! She go to a party and gets a lil twisted; meets a random guy who’s actually showin her some attention. She gets excited cause the Uglies makes your perception a little on the OFF side. Bouta week later, another night off that Courage Juice, she decides to hit O’ boy up. He comes thru & with her inhibitions out the window, she gives up her treasure like it was one of them 25 cent prizes. It didn’t mean anything to her, it was pretty much a mile marker that she could say she finally passed. But now, she got a taste of what it feels like for  a man to “want” her.

Man, the Uglies ain’t no joke. So she goes on a binge, lookin for love in all the wrong places…and nothing feels right. Primarily because it ain’t but she don’t know that….YET. Eventually, this Real Sexy dark chocolate dude hits her up spittin all kind of game. She might have recognized it as game if them Uglies wasn’t in her system still. They end up getting together even though, in the back of her mind, sanity was trying to tell her this guy wasn’t no good for her. And because of the Ugly Syndrome she had, she let this broke, no job or car havin nigga run her over, then reverse, run her over again, put it back in drive, and run her over again. Not literally, but he ended up getting  a lot out of her when he didn’t do nothing but treat her bad. But since her and her Ugly Syndrome self thought she needed this “pretty nigga” on her arm to validate herself, she went through a form of hell. She pretty much paid to keep him around. She didn’t realize it yet, but she was going to. Not soon enough though. The girl was so blind that she didn’t notice that, after the first time dude needed help with his phone bill and she gladly helped him (cause that was her man) he seemed to start needing things more often… A shirt here, some black and milds there… Soon she wasn’t  just lending money for his phone bill – she was paying it. Next she bought him a car – as a gift of course! – NOT!!!  All this just to try and keep him happy so he’d stick around. Then, she was paying his rent, gas money for the car she bought him, put the light bill in her name (cause he ain’t got no credit) and paid that bill too. All the while payin her own bills too. She’s been beat by this man on occasion and she’s still trying to please him and cater to his every need so he won’t leave her. When she’s the one who should have left when he hit her 2 months into their relationship.

Do you get the picture I painted for you yet? The Uglies is a very humiliating disease. But it’s hard to cure because the one who has it makes excuses for the side effects. She makes excuses for bailing her man out after he got arrested for the black eye and busted lip he gave her. Excuses for the hickeys he had on his chest that he definitely didn’t get from her. Excuses for letting him call her out her name, cause he’s been creepin, so tries to flip the script and say she messin with all his, Broke, No Job or Car havin hommies.

You know you’ve met that girl, who don’t stand up for herself. The one who lends $65 to a friend and lets her friend keep putting her off for a year and a half for her money. You know that girl… the one who knows when she lends her car to her dude, he’s planning on going to see one of the girls he got that Hickey from, but she don’t do nothing bout it.

With that said, most of that picture that I painted for you was me, a little over a year ago. That girl had to hit rock bottom. She had to be fed up with bailing him out and payin his bills and accepting the bruises…Fed up with the arguments and accusations. When she felt completely worthless and lost…when she thought she had cried herself dry…as dry as her bank accounts now were. Once it seemed to her as if all was lost (cause she had actually fell in with dude) and she finally looked to the One with all the answers – she was finally cured of the Ugly Syndrome that tore her up from the inside while she let a man tear her up on the outside. After she went to God, she realized her worth, and sent O’ boy packin. The moral of the story is…you got to catch that Ugly bug young. Make sure your baby girl knows she is beautiful and daddies need to show your daughter love & attention before they try to find it the wrong way from the wrong Person.

tOpIC: rEd - liGhT, gReEn - liGhT

You remember the game kids play called "Red-light, Green Light?" There's a person who gets to "direct traffic" calling out "Red-light?" to make you stop, "Green-light" to allow you to move and some might even throw in a "Yellow-light" to make you slow down. Well, God kinda works with signals similar to that game. A lot of times you don't notice the signs until you look back at your life.

I'll give you an example from my own life. Around June '09, I remember God bustin out with one of them yellow-light signals on me. I had been dealing with the hurt I stored deep within myself by trying to drown it out with alcohol - even drinkin up to 5 days a week. Anyways, I woke up one morning after a long night out that I hardly remembered. That wasn't unusual. The yellow-light to me was the fact that I had to go hunt for my car because I didn't remember where I parked, let alone the drive home. I think that was God tellin me I needed to chill out if I valued my life. So, I slowed down a bit, but I still battled my need to drink my pain away. That need caught up with me again January 9, 2010. And that was a night I will never remember, but a morning I will never forget.

My Red-Light Story:

I remember meeting up with my boyfriend in the early evening, right after work on the 9th.We were gonna kick it with some friends he hadn't seen in awhile. The night started out great. We had our lil fire pit blazin away; we had our liquor; and the company was good too. My last memory of that night was a good ol' game of spades. Then I woke up.

I found myself in an unfamiliar room which I quickly assessed to be a hospital room. Already, I figured I must have been in a car accident. It's sad, but it was almost as if I had expected this day to come, so I wasn't really freaked out....YET.

I called my mom and let her know I was in the hospital, (actually the nurse called her for me) then I called my job to let 'em know I wouldn't be in that day. Then, I called my boyfriends phone. It went straight to voice-mail. I tried a few more times before I was wheeled off to surgery to fix my broken eye socket.

When I woke up, there were family and friends sitting and standing around. I knew I must have been really busted up even though I hadn't seen myself because each person was being much too careful of their facial expressions. Most of that day, I was in an out of consciousness thanks to the morphine. 

The next morning is the one I'll never forget. My dad walked into my hospital room followed by a woman I wasn't familiar with. He introduced her as the hospital chaplain which made my heart seem to speed up and stop simultaneously. My dad had this look on his face was definitely on the verge of trying to be comforting, but, in fact, had the opposite effect. He started to tell me that he found out that I had had a passenger with me in the accident, and then he paused. I was trippin already and the pause didn't help, so I tell him to hurry and tell me who it was. He told me it had been my boyfriend which confused me because we had driven own separate cars to his friends how that night...but I was like "okaaaay..."thinking there must be more to it, as anxiety began to take hold of me. He finished by telling me that David had passed away. I didn't want to believe him so I screamed that he was lying; all the while, I felt the hand of despair curl it's poisonous fingers around my heart and apply a pressure that I could feel all the way to my soul. I didn't recognize the sounds coming from within as my entire body trembled and I didn't just cry - I wept. There is no physical pain that can match or exceed the pain that came with that news. I only calmed down after the doctor came, with a sedative that I tried to turn away. Then, all I felt was emptiness...completed by a side of pure nothingness.

Later that same day… Not knowing it was possible that my life could get any worse, I was arrested, taken to the police station, and booked for 2nd Degree Murder based on the dangerousness of the car accident - My first time in trouble with the law. Now, almost a year later, I lay writing this in my prison cell at the very beginning of a 10 year sentence that was attached to the 2nd Degree Murder charge that will be with me even longer. 

I admit that when all this first happened, I was beyond angry with God. Like, what evil have I ever done to anyone to deserve all this - all at once. But then, I opened my eyes and saw that the devil tried to take me out in that car accident, and it's only cause of God that I'm alive and able to walk today.

Along with this Red-Light - the unlimited amount of time you have to think during incarceration - God has brought me an insurmountable degree of enlightenment that I wouldn't trade for my freedom. The lessons God had tried to get me to learn that I never took the time to pay attention to were brought into focus. God has His way of takin you out the game when you’re off doin your own thing - when you're bout to get yourself killed. He sits you down and makes it so you can catch up on the lessons He's trying to teach you. Because without the lessons you so ignorantly missed, you will not move forward, will not make it to the level you need to be on; the level God needs you on in order for Him to be able to open the door to your destiny. So you betta make sure you pay close attention and recognize when there's a lesson to be learned. If you don't, yo may find a Red-Light lesson where you least expected it. 

A night of "fun" ended with the death of the man I loved and began a new chapter for me; filled with hours locked in an 8'x10' cell, meals off of plastic trays, and 4-hour visits from the family I left beyond the razor wire surrounding me.

Aye...Look, just keep an eye out for the guidelines and warning signs that God gives, so you don't run into a detour that could have been avoided. And, I say detour cause my life ain't over cause of this stretch I have in prison. God ain't done with me yet and beyond that, He is all powerful and can cut that sentence down any time He wants. 

Stay up on ya homework and don't miss no lessons before you get took out the game.

Stay Blessed!

aRiEL

DoN'T wAnNa dO mY tIMe aLONe

My name is Ariel. I'm about to be 23 in a minute. I got hemmed up by Arpaio's crazy people back in January and I'm servin a 10 year stretch, out here in Perryville women's prison.
I'll let you know before you look me up in the prison database that these bastards charged me with 2nd Degree Murder. Nah, I didn't mirk nobody.


I'll explain:
I was in a real messed up car accident, was drunk, and my dude, who was my passenger, passed away.
These folks gave me a range of 10-49 years so I'm praisin God that I got the minimum.
I'll tell you a little bit about myself so you can figure out if yo wanna get at me.


Like I said, I'm bout to be 23, but I don't got a young mind. I don't like to play stupid mind games with people cause it's childish. So I keep it real- always 1 hunnid. Everybody tells me I'm real funny, so I guess I am then. ;0)


Well I'm drawin a blank on what else to say right now, but if you wanna write me, ya know, help keep a nigga's head up, Imma leave you my info.(Send a pic with your first letter)


Ariel Payne 254383
Arizona State Prison Complex - Perryville
Unit:Santa Cruz 14C149U
P.O. Box 3200
Goodyear, AZ 85395